Plate Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    License Plate

    Hot 1 year ago

    You know you're a redneck when you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

    An Act of Charity

    Hot 1 year ago

    An Act of Charity
    One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little
    extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be
    able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the
    pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000
    bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his
    congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had
    placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly
    raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she
    made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave
    so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she
    looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the
    building and said, "
    I'll take him and him and him."

    An Italian in America

    Hot 1 year ago

    (must be read with an Italian or other foreign accent)
    One day ima gonna America to bigga hotel.
    Inna morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
    Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch.
    So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
    I go to more...

    A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious. The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?" And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

    Chrome Plate

    Hot 7 years ago

    A man went to his dentist because he has a strange feeling in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
    The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
    "Well," says the dentist, "That's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It has eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
    "Why chrome?" asks the patient.
    To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

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