Planning Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Bank Robbery

    Hot 5 years ago

    Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safe deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
    The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat
    the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safe deposit box and
    there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
    Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safe deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least we got a free meal out of it."
    The next day, while listening to the news they more...

    Survivor, Texas style

    Hot 6 years ago

    A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.
    Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
    The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

    CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe."
    Your workday consists of coming in at 10, thinking up Top Five entries with 30 of your coworkers, then leaving at 4.
    Dr. Kervorkian hired as "Transition Consultant."
    Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work."
    Company softball team downsized to chess team.
    Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
    Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle."
    Company president now driving a Hyundai.
    Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.
    Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.
    Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.
    Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
    Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.
    Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Attic.
    Company dental more...

    16> Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden15> Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.14> He actually *does* have your tongue.13> You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.12> Cyanide paw prints all over the house.11> You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.10> As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of Catnip9> Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."8> Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"7> Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.6> You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.5> Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.4> Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.3> Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.2> You find a piece more...

    A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE
    Why do men like love at first sight?
    It saves them a lot of time.
    A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
    Dating children.
    How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
    In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
    What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.
    Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.
    Why don't men have mid-life crises?
    They stay stuck in adolescence.
    How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
    How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
    All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
    How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
    At the circus the clowns don't talk.
    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have more...

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