Pilot Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blonde is on board a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
"Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"
Ground control receive her call for help and answers back:
"Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position"
"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front"

An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the American asked if he could do anything for him.
The Nazi admitted that he did have a favour to ask. "The leg they amputated, on your next bombing run, could you drop it over Germany?"
"Sure, pal."
It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back to tell him the mission had been carried out.
The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. "The other leg got very bad, they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland? It would mean a great deal to me."
The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job was done.
"Many thanks," whispered the downed Nazi, now ashen faced and unable to lift his head from the pillow. "I have just one final request. Last night they had to amputate my right more...

A plane was taking off from New Delhi Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an announnncement over the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain, Banta speaking. Welcome to Flight No. 333, nonstop from New Delhi to London. The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, just sit back and relax."
Then he quickly yells out loud - "OH MY GOD!"
Dead silence followed. After a few minutes, the pilot comes back on the intercom and says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and spilled it all over my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
Santa in Coach shouts back, "That's nothing, you should see the back of mine!"

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting our bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.
At this point, several of the children giggle.
"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At hearing the pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"
"That's true," says the pilot, "but these nazi fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

While taxiing down the runway, the jetliner came to an abrupt stop, turned around and returned to the gate. After quite a lengthy wait, it finally took off.
Wanting to know what caused the delay, a concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what the problem was.
"The pilot was troubled by a noise he heard in the engine," the attendant explained. "It took us some time to find a new pilot."

(From an article in the Globe & Mail, Jul 26, written by Bryan Johnson, in
Pakistan:)
First [he] tells of a pilot who spotted tracer bullets as he approached
a runway in Northern Pakistan. So the pilot swung around and approached
the runway from the other end only to find bullets winging by there too.
So he tried to land on a road and cracked up.
From whence came the bullets? Afghan rebels? Terrorists? No,
just "one hell of a wedding party." In the Peshawar region, wedding
guests can rent an AK-47 for a day for $2 or the use of a water buffalo.
With tragic results. In one case, "jubilant" cousins accidentally
"blasted away" the bridegroom's father. The wedding was postponed for 40
days of mourning, then again celebrated amid "ecstatic volleys of flying
lead."
In another wedding in the region, shots from a wedding severed
high tension electrical wires, the falling wires more...

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of agreat forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"