Picard Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
    Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttle craft
    Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
    Spotlighting unsuspecting crew members with the glare from his forehead
    Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
    Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
    Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
    Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
    Telling crew members in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"
    Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

    Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
    The ball in Parisis' Squares
    Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
    Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
    Scare blind students in Braille class
    Prop open doors for maintenance crews
    Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
    Footstool for Captain's chair
    Entertaining kids in day care puppet show
    Scare Alexander into doing chores
    Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
    Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
    Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research.
    Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
    Two words: tether ball
    Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
    Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
    Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
    Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
    Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy

    Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk.
    The ball in Parisis' Squares.
    Hood ornament for shuttlecraft.
    Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet.
    Scare blind students in Braille class.
    Prop open doors for maintainence crews.
    Lawn decoration in Arboreteum.
    Footstool for Captain's chair.
    Entertaining kids in day care puppet show.
    Scare Alexander into doing chores.
    Send to doctor that killed Crystalline Entity as gag gift.
    Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank.
    Send to Starfleet Android Research Center, so they can "get a head" in research.
    Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards.
    Two words: tether ball!
    Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking.
    Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet.
    Donate to Starfleet Academy to be "Head of the Class."
    Use as nutcracker at Christmas time.
    And the number one use for Data's detatchable head...
    Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on more...

    More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.
    Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
    Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
    Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
    Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship - yet.
    Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
    Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to
    admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
    Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.
    Hasn't quoted Shakespeare - yet.
    Looks better in sleepwear.
    Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.
    Isn't French with an English accent.
    Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.
    Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying
    to convince them to behave better.
    To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving more...

    Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
    attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
    able to access their command pathways?"
    Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
    searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
    Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
    Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
    Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send
    this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
    pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
    system resources at an unstoppable rate."
    Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't
    they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
    Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it
    creates a new version of itself more...

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