Philadelphia Jokes

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    Philly Cops

    Hot 7 months ago

    Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"The cop answers, "You're in Philadelphia son.When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're more...

    PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKINGWhenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.- Mariah CareyQuestion: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contestResearchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22I haven't committed a crime.What I did was fail to comply with the law.- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've more...

    PRESS RELEASE
    Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.
    Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply more...

    Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
    The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
    The cop answers, "You're in Philadelphia son.
    When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
    The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
    The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
    The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
    The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
    The cop says, "I more...

    Philadelphia's Ryan Howard is on the verge of reaching 60 homeruns. The record books will carry an asterisk to show that Howard didn’t cheat.

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