Pension Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    The old Lord of the Manor was finally on his death-bed, and had called his servants to his bed-side.
    To his butler, he said, "Jeeves, you have been with me now for nearly 40 years, and for your loyal service I shall leave you Ashley Hall, with its 74 rooms, and a 100% pension." "Thank you, your lordship," said Jeeves.
    Turning to the house-keeper, "Jurby, you have been in my employ for 25 years, and for your excellent running of the house, I leave you Grantley Hall with its 42 rooms, and a 75% pension." "Thank you, your lordship," said Jurby.
    Finally, he turned to the chauffeur, "Parker, you have been with me now for 6 months, and in that time you have crashed my 1912 Rolls Royce, blown up the engine in the Le Mans-winning 1928 Bentley, and got the maid pregnant. I'm leaving you bugger all."
    "Thank you, your lordship; and how many rooms does that have?"

    The Pentagon recently discovered it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
    The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
    The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a cheque for $960,000.
    When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
    The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two more...

    The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
    The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
    The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
    Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."
    The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip more...

    The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles." The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the more...

    There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
    One day, a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky
    handwriting, to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and read:
    "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday, someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to,
    and you are my only hope.
    Can you please help me?"
    Sincerely,
    Edna
    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
    The more...

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