Pending Jokes

The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter: Dear Mom and Dad: Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t! But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don't want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home. Love
Your $on
After deliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response:

Dear Son: NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing Noble. Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left. Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time. Have to go NOw. Mom & Dad

A group of soldiers began digging foxholes for pending war games. Two privates working side by side dug their holes to standard depth.
A third man, a corporal, dug his foxhole so deep that only his shovel tip was visible as he ejected the dirt. Curiosity got the best of the two privates. When their sergeant passed by, one spoke up. "Um, sergeant, sir, can you tell us what's with the corporal? He seems to have gotten carried away."
"Oh, he'll be okay in a few minutes," the sergeant said. "He suffers from corporal tunnel syndrome."

Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6'6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Alabama in the last ten years. Loves music. Will demand a mini-cassette player. Holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete name. Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6'3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Melrose High School, Charlotte, N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm. Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6'1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Omaha. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick". Woodrow Lee Washington: 6'8", 310 lbs. Tackle. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims
Woodrow and child more...

A judge, interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"A couple of acres and a nice little home situated in the middle of the property with a stream running by," she replied.
"No, ma'am," the judge said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It's made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, as do my husband's parents," she said.
"Do you have a real grudge?" asked the judge.
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one," she answered.
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both of our children have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'," she more...