Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I raise the tiolet seat and pee onto the inside of the bowl. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw open the door to the bathroom, stand on top of the toilet tank to pee into the water, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say,' How about some sex!!' and she's always sound asleep.
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white? A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
In medieval europe- sometime in the 1300's- there were
monastaries that made wax candles
One monotonous day, a brother monk, as he was in the process of
making his candles, began to feel a bit squeemish as he had
never been with a lady.
So the monk slipped out his pee pee and proceded to masturbate.
Many other monks witnessed what he was doing and began feeling
a tad bit squeemish themselves. Many of the fellow monks also
pulled out their wankers and proceded to giz into the wax.
Before they knew it, candle making became the newest hobby around
Eventually the monks were caught, and were charged with being
heretics by the inquisition- no true believer in God would ever
try to seek earthly pleasures... so all were tortured to death.
Meanwhile, the candles, that were made by the monks in the
nearby monastary, were distributed all over Europe.
It was just around that same time that a terrible more...
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6: 00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6: 30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6: 00 and crap every morning at 6: 30.
So what's so tough about being more...
You might be a Redneck if you use the same tree your dog does.