1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm more...
Notice Of Increase In Tax Payments To All Male Taxpayers.
The only thing the government has not yet taxed is your "PECKER." Mainly because 98% of the time you pecker is out of work and the 2% it is in the hole. Moreover, it has two dependents who are both nuts.
Accordingly, beginning on April 1 of this year, your pecker will be taxed according to its size. Use the Pecker-Checker scale listed below to determine you tax.
Please insert the information on page 6, section P, subsection z, line 69 of your State Income Tax Form.
Very truly yours,
10 to 12 inches Luxury Tax $50. 00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $25. 00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $15. 00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5. 00
Note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
Please do not request an extension.
A bartender is preparing to close the bar. He has to ask the last man to leave after staying all afternoon & evening.
The man leaves with no problem. The bartender sweeps up, puts the chairs up, turns out the lights and is just about to lock the door when someone pounds on the door.
He opens the door to find the man who he had just asked to leave standing there.
The drunk says "You have to help me, I can't find my car".
The bartender ask's "Where did you last see it?"
The drunk replies "It was right here on the end of my key".
The bartender realizing that the man was in no condition to drive, told him "come on back in, I'll turn on the lights and call you a cab".
When he got the man inside, he noticed that his fly was open and his pecker was hanging out.
He told the man "Hey, your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out"!!
The drunk looked down in astonishment and screamed "OH NO! First my more...
A guy takes his broken pecker to a doctor for treatment. The doctor tells him there's nothing he can do for him except wrap it up with a splint. That night he and his girlfriend are necking and she keeps waiting for him to go a little further.
She removes her blouse and says, "Look at this... untouched by human hands."
He doesn't respond.
Then she removes her pants and says, "Look at this... untouched by human hands."
At this, he jumps up, drops his drawers and says, "Look at this... still in the crate."
Ballad of the Bobbitt Hillbillies! Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies:
Here's a little story of a man named John A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone It seems one night after gettin' with the wife She lopped off his schlong with a swipe of a knife Pecker that is, Rodeoed, fillet food
Well, the next thing you know there's a ginsu by his side And Lorena's in the car taking willie for a ride She soon got tired of her purple headed friend And tossed him out the window as she rounded the bend Curve, that is Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there" To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air Found, that is By a fence, evidence
Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long So a d***-doc said "Hey, I can fix your d**g!" A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need Then more...