Payment Jokes / Recent Jokes

These are actual signs found around the world...
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A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist's more...

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why

Dear IRS:
Enclosed are my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Enclosed please find four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above-mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw?" (See attached article: HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."
Sincerely,
I. Getscrewed Everyear

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the use the above mentioned to fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the more...

An old man walked into doctors chambers with an old lady and wanted to talk to the doctor. He told the doctor that he wanted the doctor to watch him having sex with the lady and tell him whether he was doing properly.
The doctor watched and told he was quite ok and there was nothing wrong with him. The man paid 20. 00 dollars as the co payment and went away. Next he walked in again and did the same thing while doctor watched.
Third week when he came again docotr told him " My friend this joke want do". You are upto something and I cannot watch this game again and again.
The man told the doc that if he rent a room at a hotel he had to pay atleast 75 dollers. This way he gets medicare payment for the visit 60 dollars and after paying the doctor he makes a profit of 40 dollars. That was his last visit.

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On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We more...