Outside Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Dog's Reminder to Self

    Hot 4 years ago

    1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
    2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
    3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
    4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
    5. I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
    6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
    7. I will not throw up in the car.
    8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
    9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.
    10 I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit thim in the backyard after processing.
    11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
    12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them!
    13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the more...

    Two priests and a rabbi

    Hot 2 years ago

    Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the
    weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest
    explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back
    and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle
    he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
    The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,
    except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the
    money that landed inside the circle god kept.
    The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money
    into the air and what god wants, god takes."

    you have a 'barrel man' in your house, you may be filipino...(you know.. the wooden man... when you lift up the barrel----schwing!!!) you wash your clothes by hand, you might be Filipino. you use walis tambo and walis ting-ting, you just might be Filipino. you nail all photographs on your walls in the living room, you're a Filipino. you have a very good sense of maniana habit, you might be Filipino. you smoke in your house you put up your knee while eating you eat kanin and ulam using your hand you are pakialamero you say Sugarol, babaero at tumador you are chismosa you say Comfort Room instead of Restroom. you say For Take Out instead of to go. you point w/ your lips, then you might be a Filipino. you say open or close the lights, then you might be a Filipino. you nod upwards to greet someone, you might be a Filipino. your nickname is 'boy', you might be a Filipino. you ask for a Colgate instead of toothpaste, you might be a Filipino. you say 'Canteen' instead of cafeteria, then you more...

    A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison. Angry and
    resentful about her situation, she had decided that she would rather
    die than to live another year in prison. Over the years she had
    become good friends with one of the prison caretakers.
    His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a
    graveyard just outside the prison walls. When a prisoner died, the
    caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone. The caretaker
    then got the body and put it in a casket.
    Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate before
    returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he put the
    casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.
    Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and shared it
    with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the woman would
    leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were
    kept.
    She would slip into the coffin more...

    A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?" The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?" The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?" The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?" The New Yorker replied, "Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me?'"

  • Recent Activity