Paddy is feeling sad as he orders his tenth beer at the Loony Licker Pub.
"What's wrong, Paddy?" asks Igor, the bartender.
"I lost my dog," sobs Paddy.
"Why don't you put an advertisement in the newspaper?" suggests Igor.
"It is no good," moans Paddy. "My dog can't read."
One mahatma, a famous saint, died -- must have been someone like Muktananda. One of his supporters died the next day. When the disciple reached heaven, the first thing that he was interested in was, "Where is our guru, our Muktananda? He must be enjoying -- he must have been given all the joys that only heaven can provide."
And then suddenly he saw Muktananda underneath a beautiful tree... with whom, do you know? -- with Sophia Loren! Sophia Loren sitting in his lap, both naked, hugging each other! The disciple fell at the feet of Muktananda.
He said, "Guru Deva, O grand Master, I always knew that you were the greatest master; now I am seeing with my own eyes. God is so happy with you, he has given you Sophia Loren as a reward!"
Muktananda looked very angrily at the gentleman and said, "You fool, stop talking nonsense! You don't understand a thing. She is not my prize I am her punishment!"
"You are drunk!" shouts the barman of the Groggy Doggie Pub, at Paddy, who just has slipped gradually onto the confound again.
"I'm not drunk at all!" insists Paddy, picking himself up. "In fact, I'm not even drunk a little bit, and I'll prove it to you. Now, you see that cat just coming in the entrance? Well, it has only got one eye."
"You're drunker than I thought," says the barman. "That cat is going out!"
Hamish MacTavish is careering down the road in his old Ford vehicle when a police officer pulls him over.
"Excuse me, sir," says the cop. "Would you mind blowing into this bag?"
"By all means," says Hamish. "Would you like me to have fun a jig or a reel?"
"No, no," says the cop. "This bag tells you how much you have been drinking."
"Oh, there is no need for that," says Hamish. "I have got one of my own at home... I married her!"
Paddy lurches out of the pub and bumps straight into Father Murphy, the village priest.
"Patrick," says the priest, "I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"
"Well, then," says Paddy, turning around, "I will go right back."