Opportunity Jokes / Recent Jokes

Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Say, "I think it's time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case." Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's real greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the clothes hamper. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work (Weekly Opportunity) lean in more...

A few years ago at the World Amateur Wrestling Championship, there was a pairing of an experienced and undefeated Russian heavyweight wrestler going up against an inexperienced, upstart American heavyweight.
The main reason for the Russian wrestler's success was a hideous hold he had developed called the 'pretzel hold'. He had pinned every wrestler he had faced using this hold. It was called the 'Pretzel hold' because when the hold was applied, his opponent's body would resemble the shape of a pretzel. Once applied, no wrestler had ever been able to escape the hold.
When the match between the Russian and the American began, it was evident that the American had superior quickness, but the Russian was stronger and was just laying in wait for the American to make a mistake so he could apply the pretzel hold. Sure enough, that opportunity soon came to play and the Russian grabbed the American and applied the hold. The crowd groaned and the American wrestler's trainers had to look more...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, more...

A man phones home and tells his wife, "I have a chance to go fishing for a week.
It is the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So, if you could,
please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk
pyjamas. I will be home in an hour to pick them up."
He goes home in a hurry, grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
He responds, "Oh yes, great! The fishing was fantastic! You would not believe
the size of one that I caught. The only thing is that you forgot to pack my blue
silk pyjamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I did not. I put them in your tackle box!"

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He
looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth,
and walked into the manager'srs office, making it clear he
wished to apply for the job.
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog
for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity
employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it."
The dog went off to the word processor and returned a
minute later with the finished letter, perfectly
formatted.
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a
computer program for it and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct
answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I more...

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.