Oliver Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Lots of Republicans (particularly in Virginia), ecstatic over Patriot [P-a-t-r-i-o-t] [Pardoned And Termed Respectable Instead Of Tarnished] Oliver North's nomination for the VA senator's race, are shouting: OLLIE - LULLIA!

    Oliver's Law of Location

    Hot 5 years ago

    Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

    Knock Knock!
    Who's there?
    Oliver.
    Oliver who?
    Oliver across the road from you! Knock Knock
    Who's there!
    Oliver!
    Oliver who?
    Oliver, but she doesn't love me! Knock Knock
    Who's there!
    Oliver!
    Oliver who?
    Oliver troubles are over!

    In the spirit of this new post-entertainment entertainment era, where the coverage of events and product ends up more enjoyable than what is actually being covered, NEW YORK OBSERVER critic Rex Reed on Oliver Stone's new one U-TURN:

    ' No amount of St. John's Wort will get you through U TURN. You need stronger stuff, since it's a movie so stupefyingly bad it seems to have been made by people stoned on Prozac and helium. Not so much directed as hallucinated by madman Oliver Stone, this lurid, violent and pretentious cross between BLUE VELVET and DUEL IN THE SUN is not as much fun as it sounds... The cinematography is ugly, the actors look embalmed (especially Nick Nolte, who resembles the head of a centipede), the writing is uniformly lousy. It seems to have been made by an idiot savant... Vultures circle overhead in every scene while it just lays there stinking... What U TURN is, really, is an unmitigated pile of crap -- and one of the worst non-movies ever made.' ---Rex Reed

    TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
    SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.
    HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
    JOSE: Don't bite any.
    TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
    ELLEN: I is...
    TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
    ELLEN: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
    The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he snapped. "Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" voice shouted, "Okay
    -you start."
    MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
    JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
    TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
    SASHA: A new bike.
    TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many more...

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