Obnoxious Jokes

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant. You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough. If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid. I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you. You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along. You're a habit I'd like to kick with both feet! I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside. I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure. You've never been outspoken no one has ever been able to. At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium. If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny. Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.

You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough.

If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.

I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.

You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet!!

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.

You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.

At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.

If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!

You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.

They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.

Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.

You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?

Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.

You will never be able to live down to your reputation!

Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the more...

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.
1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain 'My arm is tired' after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just theright spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather thanhaving to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it more...