Nuclear Jokes / Recent Jokes

Editor's Note: This is kind of long, and actually considering it's an awful lot like many conversations I've had, not as funny as it might be. But, heck, enjoy it anyhow...

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PeaceNik: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq?

WarMonger: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of security council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate security council resolutions.

PN: But I thought many of our allies, including Israel, were in violation of more security council resolutions than Iraq.

WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq could have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking gun could well be a mushroom cloud over NY.

PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had no nuclear weapons.

WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue.

PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long more...

Lease a Nuke! Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation? Lease a nuclear device! In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused. Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being. Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you more...

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
2. Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
3. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

REDMOND (BNN) - World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In more...

Since I couldn't find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush. Part A - Either Candidate Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says?.. a. Iran b. Iraq c. North Korea d. Afghanistan e. Sudan f. Libya g. Axis of Evil h. Gay Marriage i. United Nations j. Tax Cuts Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says?? a. Saddam Hussein b. Osama Bin Ladden c. Al Qaeda d. September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center e. WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction f. Homeland Security g. Nuclear Proliferation h. If either candidate doesn't answer the question given to them i. If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light) Part B - George W. Bush Have a small drink or a gulp of beer If George W. Bush says?.. a. Uhhh?.. b. If George Bush more...

Two strangers are sitting beside each other on an airplane. One guy turns to the other and says, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, removes his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know, how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff. However, the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to the beautiful blond bimbo and made his move by saying, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the player. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Oh brother," said the guy. "I have no idea."
Well, then," said the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know more...