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A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison. Angry and
resentful about her situation, she had decided that she would rather
die than to live another year in prison. Over the years she had
become good friends with one of the prison caretakers.
His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a
graveyard just outside the prison walls. When a prisoner died, the
caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone. The caretaker
then got the body and put it in a casket.
Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate before
returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he put the
casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.
Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and shared it
with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the woman would
leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were
She would slip into the coffin more...
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip. The brunette said, "We should go to Mars." The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon." The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to. .. the Sun!" The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!" The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safe deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat
the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second Safe deposit box and
there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safe deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least we got a free meal out of it."
The next day, while listening to the news they more...
A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said,You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Look at this. It's still in the crate!"
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a Pathan got on. Six feet four, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the conductor and said, "Pathan doesn`t pay!" and sat down at the back. Conductor didn`t argue with Pathan, but he wasn`t happy about it. The next day the same thing happened? Pathan got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of poor conductor. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what`s more, he felt really good about himself. So, on the next Monday, when more...
This is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here's how it works:
This device is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, the devices with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information more...
Three Muslims died and went to Heaven. When they approached the gate, St. Peter said "Sorry, only Christians are allowed in Heaven."
The Muslims said "But we are good Christians!"
St. Peter replied "Okay, if you're good Christians then tell me what is Easter?"
The first Muslim went up to St. Peter and said "I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a white bunny suit and hopped around delivering eggs to children!"
St. Peter shook his head, and said "Next!"
The second Muslim guy then came up and said "I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man dressed up in a red and white suit and flied around delivering presents to good children!"
St. Peter sighed, and said "Next!"
So the last Muslim guy comes up to old St. Peter and says "Oh, I know! I'm a good Christian! Easter was when the Jesus man more...