Newlywed Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Church rules...

    Hot 1 year ago

    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

    The pastor said,' We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.'

    The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

    The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked,' Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The old man replied,' No problem at all, Pastor.'

    'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

    The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?' The man replied,' The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.'

    'Congratulations! Welcome to the church!' said the pastor.

    The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked,' Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two more...

    Church Membership Drive

    Hot 3 weeks ago

    A very popular local church was having a membership drive and three couples were being interviewed by the pastor. The pastor explained to them that in order to be accepted as members of the church, they would have to show their commitment to God by abstaining from sex for three weeks. He directed them to return in three weeks to meet with him, let him know whether or not they had honored this commitment, and he would make a decision on accepting them as members.
    Three weeks later, the pastor was talking with the three couples and asked the first couple, an elderly couple, how they did. The husband explained that they had abstained from sex for the three weeks, and the pastor welcomed them as new members of the congregation.
    The second couple, a middle-aged couple, explained that they had their urges but were able to abstain from sex for the three weeks. Again, the pastor welcomed the couple as new members of the congregation.
    Finally, the third couple, a newlywed couple, more...

    A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.
    When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."
    So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.
    The husband says, "I can deal with that."
    He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! you are small, but I love you anyway."
    The husband says, "I have something to confess also."
    She says, "No matter what I will still love you."
    He says, "Okay.I am built like a baby down there."
    She says, "I can deal with that."
    So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.
    She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"
    He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

    A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon."Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked."Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin! In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"The husband agrees, and the following night asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?""No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife, who then rolled over and fell asleep.When she woke up, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?""No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

    Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
    The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
    Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
    "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
    "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
    The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
    "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

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