Newfie Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfie. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged, so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened, so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfie's turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said, "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me."

A guy took his Newfie girlfriend to her very first football game. After the game, he asked her how she enjoyed it.
"I did enjoy it, but I still can't understand why they were trying to kill each other for 25 cents."
"What are you talking about?" he asked her.
"All I kept hearing everyone yell was, 'Get the quarter back!'" she replied.

Did you hear about the Newfie Who thought nipples were Japanese children?
Did you hear about the Newfie who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that he'd never be able to face his girl again?
Did you hear about the nurse they thought had drowned until they found her under the doc?
Did you hear about the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
Did you hear about the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings that read "World War One", "World War Two" and "Watch This Space"?
Did you hear about the procedure whereby a Nobel Prize winner furnishes sperm for artificial-insemination purposes that is referred to as A STROKE OF GENIUS?
Did you hear about the real smart girl who could play post-office all night without getting any mail in her box?
Did you hear about the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
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Well, a stranger walks into a Nova Scotia bar and says to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a great Newfie joke?"
The bartender snarls, stands up straight exposing his arms he uses for bouncing obstreperous customers and says, "Wait a minute. I'm a Newfie."
"And see that fellow over there by the jukebox with the chains? He works down at the ways and drags the boats up by hand. He's a Newfie."
"And that guy in the leather jacket with him, he repairs boat engines and he's a Newfie too. Now, do you still want to tell a Newfie joke?"
The visitor looks around at the other men and shakes his head, "Naw, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord.

The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready.

The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord.

The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie.

The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, “So you wanna race, eh? ”

And then there was the Newfie who was found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. Hed tried to hang himself with a rubber band.

Two fellows are running a store and decide to have a big blow-out clearance sale. Within 3 hours, everything is sold from the store. The one fellow says to the other,' Well, what now? We've sold everything.'

The other replies,' Dont worry, there's this newfie who comes in here everyday. We'll have a few laughs on him.'

Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, newf comes walking in, hands in pockets, looking around.' Tell me lads', asks the newfie,' what have ya for sale today?'

One of the fellows says,' Well we're having a sale on arseholes!'

Newfie says,' Well ya must be doing pretty good, ya only got two left!'