Newborn Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Already having two gorgeous teenage daughters, the middle aged couple decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted. Trying for months, the wife finally became pregnant, delivering a beautiful baby boy nine months later.
    The delighted father rushed to the nursey to see his newborn son. Taking one look at him, he was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever laid eyes on.
    He immediately went to his wife and told her there was no way he was the father of that baby. "Just look at the two stunnigly beautiful daughters I have fathered," he said, scowling. "Have you been fooling around on me?"
    "No, not this time!" his wife replied with a grin.

    Farmer John was taking his cow and it's newborn calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however, left the newborn calf behind.
    Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him.
    When they did, farmer John picked up a long stick and started whipping the calf with it.
    'Why are you thrashing the poor calf?' his neighbors asked?
    To which farmer John replied, 'I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly...I am NOT your mother! I am NOT your mother!!!

    Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?""Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have someterrible news for you. It's disfigured.""Well, how bad is it? Can I see?""Follow me, sir."They head down a restricted corridor and come to the firstdoor. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child.Follow me, please."They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?""No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all."Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?""Not your child, sir. Follow me."One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith more...

    Q: What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner?
    A: A Chain litter!

    Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork.Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork.If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist.2. The alledged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child more...

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