Newborn Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Already having two gorgeous teenage daughters, the middle aged couple decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted. Trying for months, the wife finally became pregnant, delivering a beautiful baby boy nine months later.
    The delighted father rushed to the nursey to see his newborn son. Taking one look at him, he was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever laid eyes on.
    He immediately went to his wife and told her there was no way he was the father of that baby. "Just look at the two stunnigly beautiful daughters I have fathered," he said, scowling. "Have you been fooling around on me?"
    "No, not this time!" his wife replied with a grin.

    Farmer John was taking his cow and it's newborn calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however, left the newborn calf behind.
    Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him.
    When they did, farmer John picked up a long stick and started whipping the calf with it.
    'Why are you thrashing the poor calf?' his neighbors asked?
    To which farmer John replied, 'I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly...I am NOT your mother! I am NOT your mother!!!

    Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?""Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have someterrible news for you. It's disfigured.""Well, how bad is it? Can I see?""Follow me, sir."They head down a restricted corridor and come to the firstdoor. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child.Follow me, please."They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?""No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all."Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?""Not your child, sir. Follow me."One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith more...

    Q: What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner?
    A: A Chain litter!

    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
    Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
    "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
    "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

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