New Year Jokes
10. Read less.
9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
6. Procrastinate more.
5. Drink. Drink some more.
4. Start being superstitious.
3. Spend more time at work.
2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. and last but not least...
1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in? and visa versa.
4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.
3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I? m in a bad mood)
2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)
and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...
1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his
friend and asks for a cigarette.
'I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit
smoking,' his friend says.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' the man says.
'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'
'What's phase one?'
'I've quit buying.'
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.
Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"