New Jersey Jokes
Thirteen-year-old Katharine Close from New Jersey won the 79th annual Scripps National Spelling Bee, which aired on prime-time television Thursday evening. She won the contest by correctly spelling the word "ursprache," which means ancient language. Close will take home more than $42,000 worth of cash and prizes but, sadly, will never have a boyfriend.
Chapter 2: Are You Funny? No!
I know I can teach you comedy. Why? Because I have won several comedy competitions sponsored by many notable brands of beer and malt liquor. Oh sure, you could buy someone else's comedy book, thereby verifying that you are gay and an arsonist as I have long suspected, but wouldn't you rather learn from the voice of experience? I'm talking about the experience that comes from winning a Bacardi T-shirt by telling a joke about your dick that is so funny, Bacardi is considering putting a picture of it on the labels of its many fine beverages! Enough of that, though! We'll learn more about my dick in Chapter 8: The Pride of New Jersey!
First, let's find out if you're funny. Actually, we both know you aren't funny. Otherwise, why would you buy a book on how to be funny? It's because you're a dumb shit, that's why. Thanks for the upwards of 15 bucks, dumb shit-for-brains! Hopefully, though, you're funnier than my mom, who doesn't understand my jokes more...
Michael Strahan angrily testified in court yesterday that his now-estranged wife launched into an expletive-laden tirade over a credit card.
As the nasty divorce case wore on, the Giants star described how Jean Strahan called him a "motherf***er" and dropped several more F-bombs before storming out of their New Jersey mansion.
In Brooklyn, we have our own term for when a couple hurls curses at each other for an extended length of time. We call it "The Honeymoon."
I recently moved to the Princeton, NJ area and my first instinct was to find a food store. I came across an ACME Supermarket. Subconsciously knowing what I know about this company from countless Road Runner cartoons, there was no way I was going to actually consume anything from there.
Does it not seem like a lackluster marketing strategy to name a chain of supermarkets after the most infamous defective product company in Saturday morning history? No thank you, I've seen the consequences of doing business with your company. Just seems plain irresponsible to me.
The New Jersey School Boards Association is banning the popular recess game "Tag" because it can get too violent. The ban will apply to all schools who aren't on base.