Need Jokes / Recent Jokes

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The more...

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into alumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office andsaid, "We need some four-by-twos."The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meanttwo-by-fours.""All right. How long do you need them?"The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better gocheck."After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,"A long time. We're gonna build a house."

If architects had to work like programmers...Dear Mr. Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If more...

This one I heard from my friend:
There was a man who stopped by a hotel and asked to use the bathroom.
The manager said, "Sure but our bathroom is haunted by a ghost."
The man said, "I'm not afraid of no ghost."
So the man goes into the bathroom and he hears, "I'm the ghost of Willy Winky. I'll lick your balls and eat your weenie."
The man runs out screaming, and the hotel manager shakes his head and yells, "I told you so!"
Another man comes by and says, "Oh crap, I really need to use your bathroom!"
The manager says, "Sure but there's a ghost haunting the bathroom."
The man replies, "I don't believe in ghosts!"
The man goes in the bathroom and hears, "I'm the ghost of Willy Winky. I'll lick your balls and eat your weenie."
The man then runs out screaming.
Then Santa Claus comes in and says, "I really need to use your bathroom."
The manager says, more...

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.
At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters,
busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.
I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises".
She replied, "Yes, that's true. It's cheaper than a nursing home".
After talking with her, I decided there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.
The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per more...

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion,
and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has
made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says,
"Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building
over there. What's that used for?"
The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women
around.Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use
the camel." "Enough!" says the commander in disgust.
Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a
woman. He goes to the captain and says,
"Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing
around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?"
The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the
camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."
The commander says, "Put me down more...

President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "My people's favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.", replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1, 000, 000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!", said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favour, please?", said Putin.

"Yes?", replied the President.

"Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.

"No problem," replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. "I need a favour, you've got to make 1, more...