Nearest Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call AAA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car.
    The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.
    After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream.
    The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal."
    Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream."

    Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania.

    They're driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can barely see 10 feet in front of the car.

    Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding.

    Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

    Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

    A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and more...

    by Robert Chen
    You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
    1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on the person next to you. Pretend nothing happened.
    2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.
    3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
    4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?"
    5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
    6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil more...

    It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
    The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
    My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
    Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
    Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
    Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
    Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
    And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
    Other features:
    OK = ats aww-right
    cancel = hail no
    reset = awa shoot
    yes D shore
    no = naaaaa
    find = more...

    Joke - How to uninstall AOL.
    Follow these steps precisely, and proceed to the next step only after discovering that AOL is still installed.
    1. Uninstall AOL through AOL's built-in uninstaller.
    2. Uninstall AOL through Add/Remove Programs.
    3. Do a System Restore to a date before you had AOL installed.
    4. Give up and reinstall Windows.
    5. Reinstall Windows again because it crashed halfway through.
    6. Scream wildly. Swearing is appropriate in this instance.
    7. Format the drive completely.
    8. Reinstall Windows from scratch, and find a perfectly clean desktop with nothing except the "My Computer", "Recycle Bin" and "AOL" icons on your desktop.
    9. Turn off computer, and physically remove hard drive. Run a large magnet over hard drive, then run it over with a 20-ton steamroller, then take hard rive to nearest data recovery company, where they'll politely tell you that they were unable to recover the spreadsheet that you more...

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