Nail Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a man who couldn't seem to stop biting his nails, so he went to see a psychiatrist for some help.
After explaining his problem, the doctor told him that nail biting was a common complaint, but it really didn't cause any harm.
"That's what you think, doc," said the man. "I'm a carpenter!"

These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."The buddy gets exasperated and says... "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"

DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. "I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail," he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, "Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?"

-- Contributed to "Tales Out of School" by Carolyn Stickney 1996 The Reader's Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.

A mental patient was trying to hammer a nail in but had the nails head against the wall.
Despite obviously not getting very far, he persisted by hitting the sharp end.
Finally in disgust, he swore and threw down the hammer. At that point, another patient said: "Silly, that will never work. That nail is meant for the opposite wall..."

1. Insert bulb and use as flashlight.
2. Fill with ink and use as bingo dabber.
3. Fill with Frosting and squeeze to decorate cake.
4. Use it as a decoration to hang from your rearview mirror.
5. Hang a dried out one inside an upside-down clay pot for an interesting bell. Gives new meaning to the phrase “ding dong. ”
6. Nail it to the wall and use it for a coat rack.
7. In a pinch, poke extra holes in the end and replace shower nozzle.
8. Conversation piece on the coffee table (”Oh, that’s just Ronald when he was in his prime…”).
9. Redneck girl’s toothpick holder.
10. Dip it in candied apple glaze and make an all day sucker out of it.
11. Fill with Vicks and use as a nose inhaler.
12. Fill it up with plaster of Paris and use it as a microphone while singing the Lorena Bobbitt song.
13. Stick a Mickey mouse head on the tip, slit the dick horizontally, insert a spring in the bottom, and use as a Pez more...

Back in the bad old days when I was working in a fast food joint...
There was one female type person on the night crew. A very attractive
young lady with a penchant for wearing mini-skirts. Needless to say,
we did not object to this in the least. In fact, we used to let her
wipe down the tables up front, instead of slopping the french fryers
and such. Admittedly one of our reasons was that in order to wipe
down the tables she had to lean far over them and stretch. Generally
facing away from the counter.
This was when we learned that she tended to wear panties that matched
her nail polish. No kidding! She came in one day with black nail polish
with silver speckles, and it turned out that she was wearing black
panties with silver spangles. Another day, she came in wearing pink
nail polish on one hand, and blue on the other. The panties were blue
on one cheek, and pink on the other.
But... one evening... great anticipation... When more...

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away' cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!!"