Mom Jokes / Recent Jokes

When my three-year-old son opened his birthday gift from his Grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to my Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."Oh, I remember...."

Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house, and says,' 'Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!''

Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks,' 'What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?''

' 'No silly, it's salty!''

[Editor's note: Please don't sue me.]

Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,

Everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
With Mom at the whore house,

And dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass!

When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter!

When out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment the fucker had fell!

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night!

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat. "What is heat?" Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on car. Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat. "What is heat Dad"? Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it. Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says "where is missy?" Angela said "missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down the street.

One day little jonny was out flying his toy airplane while his mom was in the kitchen doing the dishes, vroom all you stupid muther fuckers getting in, get in on the right, all you stupid muther fuckers getting off get off at the left, well his mother heard him and said JONNY get in here stand in the corner and think about what youve said, so he stands in the corner for a half hour and his mom came to him and said have you learned your lesson yet and he said yes, ok his mom said you can go out and fly your plane noe, vrooom all you nice people getting on get on on the right, all you nice people getting off get off on the left, and if your wandering about the half hour delay ask the bitch in the kitchen