Mom Jokes / Hot Jokes
You understand a lot of Tagalog, but can hardly speak it. Make fun of your parents' accents. As a child, you were totally embarrassed to eat spaghetti with sliced hot dogs in it. Now, there is absolutely no way you will eat spaghetti without the hot dogs. In fact, you suggest to your non-Filipino friends that hot dogs make spaghetti taste better. As a child, you hated being Filipino. Now, you wear Pinoy Pride T-shirts. You still wear Tsinelas (slippers). You still take off your shoes when entering a house. (Southern California) You've ever lived in Baldwin Park, Carson, Cerritos, the ghetto part of L. A., West Covina, Walnut or Diamond Bar. (Northern California) You've ever lived in Union City. You don't steal things (e. g., towels, soaps, tissues, cups) from hotel rooms like your parents did. And when you do take things, you deny that the action is not a Filipino trait. You don't care if a T-shirt was made in the Philippines or the USA. As long as it has a designer label on it, more...
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay... doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
And it came to pass that an openly Jewish man was elected to be President of the United States of America.
So he calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down to Washington DC to share the Passover Holliday.
She says,' I'd like to, but it's so much trouble... I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd...'
He replies,' Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab; I'll send a limo for you!'
To which his mother replies,' I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble.'
He replies,' Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One or another of my private jets for you.
To which she replies,' Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble.'
Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,
Everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
With Mom at the whore house,
And dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass!
When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter!
When out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment the fucker had fell!
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night!