Moishe Jokes

The reading of the Will
Moishe has died. His solicitor is standing before the family and reads out Moishe’s last Will and testament.
“To my dear wife Sadie, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million pounds.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and £250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”

What a coincidence!
Moishe and Bernie are walking down Regents Street when Moishe suddenly says to Bernie, "Don`t look! Don`t look! Here comes my wife and my mistress."
Bernie sneaks a peak and says, "What a coincidence, I was going to say the same thing!"

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Moishe."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "C. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Moishe every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the
pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"
Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat
them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change more...

A tourist in San Francisco is walking around in Chinatown and sees a sign that says "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry". Moishe Plotnik??? Where the heck does that come from???
So he walks in and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. He asks, "How did a place like this get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well who and where is the owner?"
"Me right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did YOU get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
"Is simple...Many year ago when come to this country, standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, "What's your name?" He say, "Moishe Plotnik." Then she look at me and go, "What your name?" I say, "Sem Ting...."

A young, single man, having no family, often ate at a restaurant in the center of the city of Chelm. He knew the owner Moishe and he ate there regularly. The only other restaurant in Chelm, Chaim's, was located directly across the street from Moishe's.
One day, the young man went to eat at Chaim's and when Moishe saw what happened, he was totally distraught. He said, "how can you not eat at my place? Are we not like family?" The young man replied that indeed they were.
Moishe asked,"Isn't my food good?" The young man replied that the food was delicious and that the portions were exceedingly generous. Moishe then asked, "so why did you go eat at Chaim's restaurant on the other side of the street?"
The young man replied that he had terrible toothache on his molar on the far left side of his mouth. He was told that the intinerant dentist would not be in town for another week. Therefore, the young man explained to Moishe, "I went to the Rabbi more...