Modems Jokes

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    Modem Addiction

    Hot 1 week ago

    "Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
    "I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...

    On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me
    A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
    On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me
    Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?)
    And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)
    On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me
    Three French users (who, of course, think they know everything)
    Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all over the net)
    And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
    On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me
    Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over and over)
    Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over trivial things?)
    Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones they are?)
    And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a pointer error?)
    On the fifth more...

    On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me: A database with a broken b-tree
    (what the hell is a b-tree anyway?)
    On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Two transceiver failures
    (CRC errors? Collisions? What is going on?) And a database with a broken b-tree
    (Rebuild WHAT? It's a 10GB database!)
    On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Three French users
    (who, of course, think they know everything) Two transceiver failures
    (which are now spewing packets all over the net) And a database with a broken b-tree
    (Backup? What backup?)
    On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me: Four calls for support
    (playing the same Christmas song over and over) Three French users
    (Why do they like to argue so much over trival things?) Two transceiver failures
    (How the hell do I know which ones they are?) And a database with a broken b-tree
    (Pointer error? What a pointer error?)
    On the more...

    Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:
    A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".
    When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.
    A modem won't say a word if you come home late.
    A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.
    A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.
    You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.
    A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.
    A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.
    You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.
    Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

    "Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming.
    "I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, more...

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