Mitzvah Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
    "How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
    "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
    The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
    Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
    "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
    "Great!" replies the second.
    The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"
    "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

    1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish
    2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
    3. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
    4. BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
    5. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 400 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
    6. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
    7. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.
    8. KISHKA n. Smooching at a Bar Mitzvah and getting the telltale smell of Stuffed Derma.
    9. MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
    10. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
    11 RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from New Jersey to Florida and finding all your old more...

    An ultra Orthodox couple met their rabbi at their temple to consult their upcoming wedding. they had one problem that they needed to ask the rabbi about.
    "Rabbi," said the man, "my fiance and I really want to dance together at our celebration, can we?"
    "Absolutely not!" replied the rabbi "The men and women have to dance seperately to be modest and dignified!"
    "Fine," says the woman. Then a huge question comes up on her mind. "Can we have sex?"
    "Absolutely," says the rabbi, "reproduction is a mitzvah!"
    "Even before marriage?" says the man.
    "It's all a mitzvah."
    "Woman on top?"
    "A mitzvah."
    "On the kitchen table?"
    "It still doesn't change the fact that it's a mitzvah, so go right ahead."
    "How about standing up?"
    "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" yells the rabbi.
    "Why?" both partners more...

    One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
    "How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
    "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't
    enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
    The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and
    hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and
    fruit."
    Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into
    each other again.
    "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
    "Great!" replies the second.
    The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and
    inquires, "What's that on your head?"
    "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

    One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.
    "How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.
    "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."
    The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."
    Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
    "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.
    "Great!" replies the second.
    The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"
    "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

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