Metal Jokes

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    Lock, Stock and Barrel

    Hot 3 months ago

    An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.

    The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn't open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.

    The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days' growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.

    The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an "x" at the "2 o'clock" mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill more...

    This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

    My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

    It's a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks... but with a little imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.
    Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
    Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter.
    Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
    At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
    Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case... the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
    Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
    Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
    Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
    Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
    Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
    Room dividers for hamsters.
    Drink coasters.
    Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
    Ice scraper.
    Bathroom more...

    Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breafast and shits out a tool shed at lunch.

    1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get more...

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