Membership Jokes

A very popular local church was having a membership drive and three couples were being interviewed by the pastor. The pastor explained to them that in order to be accepted as members of the church, they would have to show their commitment to God by abstaining from sex for three weeks. He directed them to return in three weeks to meet with him, let him know whether or not they had honored this commitment, and he would make a decision on accepting them as members.
Three weeks later, the pastor was talking with the three couples and asked the first couple, an elderly couple, how they did. The husband explained that they had abstained from sex for the three weeks, and the pastor welcomed them as new members of the congregation.
The second couple, a middle-aged couple, explained that they had their urges but were able to abstain from sex for the three weeks. Again, the pastor welcomed the couple as new members of the congregation.
Finally, the third couple, a newlywed couple, more...

Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said "Hell, I'm no actor, and I've got thirty movies to prove it!"

A man joins a nudist colony. He pays his dues, gets his membership kit and
key, and enters the compound.
A six-foot blonde walks by, and he gets a hard -on-
Blonde:"Sir, did you just call for me?"
New Man:"No i just got here."
Blonde:"You must be new here. It's rule when i give you hard-on,
implies that you called for me."

The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. He
gets up, happy and heads into the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes over
to him.
Huge Man:"Sir, did you call for me?"
New Man:"I just got here."
Huge Man:" You must be new here. It's rule that when you
fart, that you called for me."
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him.
The new man rushes back to the receptionist.
New Man:"Here's your card and key back. You can keep the $500
membership fee. I'm outa
here.
Receptionist:" But more...

I received a greeting card from the old perfesser (T. O. P.) a
couple of days AFTER Christmas, with an added note full of his
usual holiday cheer:

Dear PBen, MrsPBen, and all the Little PBen's,
I'm writing from my daughters' casa, where we came to spend the
holidays. I'm still not sure why MrsPerfesser made me leave our
warm, comfortable trailer this time of year, but here we are.
This hasn't been my best Christmas, I can tell you that... silly
daughter and That Danged Thing She Calls A Husband bought me a 12
month gift membership to Weight Watchers! The nerve... if they
weren't holding my Grandbaby hostage, I think I'd change my will
and leave the Trailer to somebody more deserving, like the parking
lot sweeper over at Valdoster U.
Well, I got them back, at least a little. I got that sumbitchin'
son-in-law his OWN membership, in the Fruitcake Of The Month Club!
HAH! He'll never call me THAT again! And my more...

Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said "Hell, Im no actor, and Ive got thirty movies to prove it!"