A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!" The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening, the man came home with a small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."
Last Christmas we were thinking about all the things we didn't have; this Christmas we are thinking about all the things we do have.
Last Christmas we were placing wreaths on the doors of our homes; this Christmas we are placing wreaths on the graves of our heroes.
Last Christmas we were letting our sons play with toy guns; this Christmas we are teaching them that guns are not toys.
Last Christmas we were counting our money; this Christmas we are counting our blessings.
Last Christmas we were lighting candles to decorate; this Christmas we are lighting candles to commemorate.
Last Christmas we paid lip service to the real meaning of the holidays; this Christmas we are paying homage to it.
Last Christmas we were digging deep into our bank accounts to find money to fly home for the holidays; this Christmas we are digging deep into our souls to find the courage to do so.
Last Christmas we were trying not to let annoying relatives get the best of us; this more...
"Only in America":
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.
...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."