Matt Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Fear of Needles

    Hot 5 years ago

    Matt, who has always had a fear of needles, was sitting in the hospital waiting to get a vaccination.
    When the nurse called him into the office to receive the injection, he nervously entered the room, sat down and broke into a cold sweat as he watched her prepare the needle. He tried to concentrate on the most pleasurable things he could, hoping that would dull the pain he was about to suffer.
    As the nurse approached him with the needle, she couldn't help but notice his nervousness. In an attempt to comfort him, she said, "Don't worry, it's just a small prick."
    Matt quickly jumped up, obviously upset. Startled by his reaction, but before she was able to say anything, Matt yelled, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?"

    What on earth!!!

    Hot 4 years ago

    Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
    Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
    Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
    The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
    Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
    "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank.
    "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!"
    Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

    Potty Training

    Hot 4 years ago

    My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.

    It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean.

    Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me."

    Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooooo.... I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"

    Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...."SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 20 people nearly choked to more...

    Shaun = Shit

    Hot 3 years ago

    There were three boys named Matt, Loco, and Shaun. One day they all join the Cub Scouts.
    They are going hiking in the woods today in class, and when they got there they discovered a cave in the woods.
    Shaun and Loco dared Matt to go in, so he goes in trying to look brave and he comes out saying “ooooh, god damn that felt good”
    They asked him what happend, Matt said “A lady put a donut on my dick and ate it off.
    Then Matt and Shaun dared Loco to go in, so he does… and the same thing happened.
    Then Loco and Matt dared Shaun to go in and he comes out crying like a bitch that he is.
    They ask whats wrong. Shaun (crying) says”She told me to go buy a box of Cheerios”.

    A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
    "To you, my loving wife Rachel, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $5 million."
    The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Christy, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $2 million."
    The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Matt, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will – well, you are wrong. Hi, Matt."

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