Mask Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???", "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey, and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles, and mask.

About ten minutes into the procedure, Kelsey got scared and cried, "I want my mommy!"

I quickly pulled off my mask and said, "I AM your mommy."

Without hesitation, my daughter yelled back, "Then I want my granny!"

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. .. it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms more...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

A guy wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts into a sperm bank. He approaches the woman at the desk and screams, "Open the fucking vault!"
"But sir, we don't have any money," she nervously replies. "This is a sperm bank."
"Stop arguing and open the damn safe," he demands, waving the gun in her face. Not wanting to provoke him further, she opens the vault door. "Now, take out one of the bottles and drink it," he shouts.
"But these are sperm samples," she tearfully replies.
"I don't give a damn. Do it!" he demands. So, she removes the cap from the bottle and gulps it down.
He then points to another bottle and tells her to drink that one as well. She takes the bottle out, removes the cap and downs that one too.
After making her do this a couple more times, he whips off his ski mask and she's startled to see that it's her husband. "See honey," he says, "that wasn't so fucking more...

This is supposedly a true story, it happened in a small town of the province of Quebec, Canada, in October 1996. They showed the video surveillance tape on the news, and even the anchorman was laughing through it.

A robber came into a convenience store wearing a ski mask and a gun wanting to empty the cash register. He took the clerk to the backstore and locked her up in the fridge. Unfortunately, when he came back to the front of the store, a customer had come in. So he took *off* the ski mask and the gloves, and pretended to be filling in for the clerk. The customer wanted a lottery ticket, so he tried to help her out, by pressing a whole bunch of buttons on the machine (thus leaving fingerprints everywhere), but the machine was not cooperating.

Meanwhile, another customer walks in. Finally, he tells the first customer (after about 5 minutes of close-up shots from the camera) that the machine is not working and that he won't be able to help her. The robber more...

1. "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
2. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
3. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"
5. This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring I've experienced. The steward came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell more...