Martian Jokes / Recent Jokes

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up...And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a more...

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?"The farmer's wife replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.About an hour later, the Martian man asked the more...

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed. Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed. The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?" The farmer's wife replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked more...

A married couple finally saved up enough money to go on their fantasy vacation to mars.While strolling along the red dirt and craters the couple meets up with a martian couple.
The two couples get to talking and up comes the subject of sex.In curiosity the two couples decided to switch partners for the night.
The wife and the martian man were about to have their fun, but when The martian man pulled off his pants and it was the size of a pencil.The wife asked "Can you make it longer?"The martian replied "yes." and slapped his forhead, it grew longer. Then the wife asked "can you make it wider?" The martian replied again "yes." he pulled his ears and it grew wider.
So the martian man and the wife went to town and had their fun. The next day the couples met up again and the wife asks her husband "So how was you night honey? Mine was great!"
"Mine was horrible!" the husband said.
"why?" his wife more...

Two youths, newly arrived in ancient Crete, were on their way to consult the Delphic oracle when one stopped to admire a rather aristocratic woman who was entering the royal palace. "Come on, Oedipus," his friend sneered. "She's old enough to be your mother."
The Martian^
The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I have a dime?"
The Martian asked, "What's a dime?"
The panhandler thought a minute, then said, "You're right! Can I have a quarter?"

A small group of scientists had spent an enlightening week on Mars, comparing life there with our own.
"Tell me," one Earth scientist asked his Martian counterpart, "just how do you reproduce the species here on this planet?"
"I shall be pleased to demonstrate," replied the leader of the Martian group, and he called forth a voluptuous Martian beauty with three heads. They then engaged their tentacles for a few moments, and almost at once a small pouch began to form on the female's back; it grew, and within little more than a minute, it opened up very much like a blooming flower and a small Martian dropped out, as fully developed as the adults, but much smaller, and began scampering about the room.
Once the Earth scientists had recovered from this unexpected experience, they attempted to explain how procreation differs in our world. The Martians insisted upon being shown, and after unsuccessful attempts to dissuade them, the chief scientist more...

A couple of Martians land at a closed gas station in the middle of the night. They exit their spaceship and approach a gas pump.
They look it over quizzically and one says to the other, "I think these must be Earth people."
"Take us to your leader!" the first Martian demands. There's no response.
"I don't think we should fuck around with this one," the second Martian whispers to his partner.
"I demand you take us to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!" the first Martian demands again. Still, there's no response.
The first Martian then takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. The gas pump and the entire station blow up and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a nearby tree.
The second Martian screams to his partner, "DIDN'T I TELL YOU WE SHOULDN'T FUCK WITH A GUY WHO CAN WRAP HIS DICK AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"