Mammogram Jokes

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    Mammogram Exercises

    Hot 3 months ago

    Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
    EXERCISE 1:
    Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
    EXERCISE 2:
    Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
    EXERCISE more...

    For years and years they told me,
    Be careful of your breasts.
    Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
    And give them monthly tests.
    So I heeded all their warnings,
    And protected them by law.
    Guarded them very carefully,
    And I always wore my bra.
    After 30 years of astute care,
    My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
    Said I should get a Mammogram.
    "O.K," I said, "let's do it."
    "Stand up here real close" she said,
    (She got my boob in line,)
    "And tell me when it hurts," she said,
    "Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
    She stepped upon a pedal,
    I could not believe my eyes!
    A plastic plate came slamming down,
    My hooter's in a vice!
    My skin was stretched and mangled,
    From underneath my chin.
    My poor boob was being squashed,
    To Swedish Pancake thin.
    Excruciating pain I felt,
    Within it's vice-like grip.
    A prisoner in this vicious thing,
    My poor defenseless more...

    ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM
    ---Author unknown

    For years' n years they told me,
    be careful of your breasts
    Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
    and give them monthly tests.

    So I heeded all their warnings
    and protected them by law
    Guarded them very carefully,
    and always wore a bra.

    After 30 years of careful care,
    the doctor found a lump
    He ordered up a mammogram
    to look inside that clump.

    Stand up very close, she said,
    as she got my tit in line
    And tell me when it hurts, she said,
    Ah, yes, there! That's just fine.

    She stepped upon a pedal...
    I could not believe my eyes
    A plastic plate was pressing down...
    My boob was in a vice!!!

    My skin was stretched' n stretched
    from way up by my chin
    And my poor tit was being squashed
    to swedish pancake thin!!!

    Excruciating pain I felt within
    it's vice-like grip
    A prisoner in this more...

    For women - Helpful info.
    For men - For the woman in your life.
    PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:
    Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.
    Exercise No. 1:
    Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.
    Exercise No. 2:
    Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position more...

    For years 'n years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests."
    So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.
    After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump.
    "Stand up very close," she said, As she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."
    She stepped upon a pedal... I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!!
    My skin was stretched 'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!!
    Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!
    "Take a deep breath" she said to me Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is more...

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