Lose Jokes / Recent Jokes

Politics
Israel`s economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I`ve got it, I`ve got the solution to all our problems. We`ll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You`re nuts! That`s crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "that`s if we lose. But what if we win?"

A woman was not feeling well. So she visited her doctor.
The good doctor, after giving her a thorough examination, said grimly,
"Mrs Goode, I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get well again you would have to lose a foot."
"What!?! You mean my foot has to be amputated?"
"Oh, no, no..." replied the good doctor, "I mean you have to lose a foot from around your waistline!"
(adapted from Born Loser's comic strip)

OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goalOLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kickOLD SOLDIERS never die, they just fade awayOLD SOLDIERS never die, they just smell that wayOLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones doOLD SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment awayOLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave inOLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temperOLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degradedOLD SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocksOLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a strokeOLD SWIMMERS never die, they just kick-offOLD SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULLOLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hidingOLD TAPE DISPENSERS never die, they just get used up

Old soldiers never die, they just fade away. (Gen. Douglas MacArthur)
Old fishermen never die, they just smell that way.
Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old politicians never die, they just feud away.
Old quilters never die, they just go to pieces.
Old musicians never die, they just drift from bar to bar.
Old Elvis impersonators never die, they just go out of sequins.
Young Puerto Ricans never die they just change appearance and acquire
a Dominican accent.
Old Programmers never die, they just terminate and stay resident.
Old pinballers never die, they just flip out.
Old Hondas never die, they just get slower, lose compression and
devour oil.
Old jokes never die, they just seem to get smaller.

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt
to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers,
etc. And none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small
ad which read: Lose weight $1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a telephone
number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked,
'How much weight do you want to lose?' to which the man responded, 'Ten pounds.'
The voice replied, 'Very well, put your check in the mail and we'll have a
representative over to your house in the morning.'
About 9:00 the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a
beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck
stating, 'If you catch me you can screw me.' Well the overweight fellow chased
her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house.
Finally he did catch her more...

Why did the witch lose her way? Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their classOLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringingOLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state - of maximum entropyOLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get puncturedOLD TRASH never dies, they just bury itOLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identitiesOLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new PeterbiltOLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on NickelodeonOLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become patheticOLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down - umpires as in Australian Rules FootballOLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsiveOLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come backOLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering