Loose Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were three women sitting at a bar, talking about how loose
they were. One woman said that her husband could fit his arm in up to
his elbow. The next woman said her man could fit his leg in up to his
knee. The last woman just slid over the bar stool.

Lights not burning too bright. Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter. Like a one-armed man climbing a rope. Likes dunking for french fries. Little red choo-choo's gone chugging' round the bend / jumped the track. Lives in La-la-land. Lives in the same world, but a different universe. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. Long on dry wall, short on studs. Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room. Looks for the "Any" key. Loose chip on the microprocessor board. Loose wire to his headset/ringer. Low on thinking gas. Low-bandwidth as an information source. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps. Made a career out of mid-life crisis. Mainspring's wound too tight. Makes a black hole look bright. Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good. Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written. Mental software is Version 1. 0 / still in beta test. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking. Metronome needs oil. Might still be more...

Shingles were loose on Pennock's roof, and he complained about leaks to Barton, his neighbor. "Why don't you mend the roof?" asked Barton. "I can't today," Pennock replied. "It's pouring rain." "Well, why don't you patch it in dry weather." "It don't leak then!"

Three guys are travelling across the country. Their car breaks down in
the middle of nowhere, so they get out and start walking. They come
across this farm, so they go up, knock on the door, and the farmer comes
to the door and they explain their predicament to him. The farmer says
he will drive them into town tomorrow, but they will have to wait until
the morning, because everything in town is closed at this late hour.
The farmer then offers them food, and lets them sleep in the garage.
Before they go to sleep, the farmer comes out and tells them, "My daughter
is a nymphomaniac. If I hear any one of you even thinking about f*cking her,
I will blow your brains out." The farmer then leaves and goes to bed.
About 2:00am one of the guys wakes up. The temptation is too great for him.
He goes into the house and walks slowly up the stairs. About half way up
the stairs, he hits a loose board. "CREAK!!!" Immediately the more...

A few guppies short of an aquarium. A few inches short of a foot/yard. A few kernels short of an ear. A few kopeks short of a ruble. A few links shy of a chain. A few measures short of a staff. A few open splices. A few peas short of a pod/casserole. A few pickles short of a jar. A few pies short of a holiday. A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar. A few points short of a polygon. A few revisions behind. A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic. A few screws loose. A few shrimps short of a barbie. A few spoons short of a full set. A few straws shy of a bale. A few tiles missing from his space shuttle. A few tiles short of a successful re-entry. A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree. A few volts below threshold. A few yards short of the hole. A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question? A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum. A more...

A pirate was talking to a "land-luvver" in a bar.
The land-luvver noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.
The land-luvver just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"
The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."
Finally, the land-luvver asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"
The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."
The land-luvver asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your more...

There was a blonde woman named, Cindy, that was in deep financial problems.
So she got on her knees and prayed "Dear
God, please let me win the lottery. I really need your help or
I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else." She doesn't
win. The next day she prays to God "God! I really really need
your help! I'll loose my car, the house, and everything else."
Once again, she doesn't win. The next day she says the same
prayer; then God speaks to her " Cindy! work with me here, BUY
A TICKET!!"