Listen Jokes

My wife says I never listen... or something like that...

If you're easily offended (I mean VERY easily), don't read this.
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WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE... By Matt Groening (Creator of The Simpsons and Life in Hell)
Deep Thoughts about Gender Differences
SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter more...

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so more...

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage."This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate."He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful."That's fantastic," said the customer."And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem."Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch more...