Lips Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man.

"Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"

"Well sir, I represent Smith, Henry and Hamilton. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a few questions?"

"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away, young man."

Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?".

"Yessir, for as long as I can remember."

"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" asks the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

"Let's more...

There once was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. He could, however, save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was permitted to speak two words. This was well before the time of letter writing or sign language.
One day he met a Princess who had luscious ruby lips, long golden hair and sapphire eyes, and he immediately fell in love. With the greatest of difficulty, he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he would be able to look at her and say, "My darling." However, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her he loved her. Because of this, he waited an additional three years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to five.
At the end of the five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years without more...

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink.
He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!"
The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks "Hey, I don't have a house."
He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again. Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells, "Hey Joe! Your dad has died!"
So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks, "Wait a minute... my dad died years ago."
He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up. "Joe! Congratulations! You've won the lottery! There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"
The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office. He almost gets there more...

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Valentine's Day Story John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform, and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library. Taking a book off the shelf he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort he located her address. She now lived in New York City. He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was more...

In the good old days of the golden oldies, most records were sold on the Decca label. Henry Busse had a hot hit titled, "Hot Lips." A lady heard the record on the radio and decided that she just had to have it. She looked up the number for the record shop and called them. Unfortunately, she misdialed and, instead of reaching the record store, she got "Hank's Auto Body." She said, "Do you have' Hot Lips' on a ten-inch Decca?" Hank, who had answered the phone himself, said, "Well, uh, ma'am, no, but I do have hot nuts under a ten-inch pecker!" A slight pause. The lady said, "Is that a record?" "I don't know, ma'am, but it's a damned good average."

casey cant eat pizza because he doesnt know where the crust ends and he starts