Lame Jokes

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    book joke

    Hot 1 year agoby Reegan Mastrangelo

    A book hit me on the head this morning. Oh well, I only have myshelf to blame.

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.
    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a more...

    Reasons why high school english teachers retire early.
    Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:
    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
    7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
    8. The more...

    so you want to be lame. but you already type with perfect punctuation. so stop, stfu and read on k? this is primarily aimed at irc, it will not work so well in other chat/msg clients.

    The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her protection.Dear Diary,Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10 spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking.Then there is the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six-figure salary.At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.Six more...

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