Laid Jokes / Recent Jokes

three men were arrested for wrong doing. so the state decided to give them a capital punishment by lashing their backs. each of them had them had the chance to choose something that should be laid on his back before he is beaten. the first man a northerner said they should put a cloth behind him. he was lashed and later suffered serious injuries. the second a Ga chose a mat. he also suffered minor injuries. the third a fante opted for the northerner to be laid behind him. this made the first man suffer double.

The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.

If all the misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be contented to take their own and depart.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

A lawyer, a priest and a teacher were at a funeral of a tribal chief. Before closing the coffin lid, the widow requested an offering of $100 from each to be laid in the casket, as the tradition demands.
The priest & the teacher both reluctantly laid their $100. The lawyer then wrote out a check for $300, deposited it in the coffin and collected the $200 cash.

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said hed have to withhold ten percent of Arnolds wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked Arnold. "About $4, 500," said the owner. "What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold. Ive finally got job security!"

O MY DEAR WIFE, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean17 times it was too late49 times you were too tired20 times it was too hot5 times you pretended to be asleep22 times you had a headache17 times you were afraid of waking the baby16 times you said you were too sore12 times it was the wrong time of the month19 times you had to get up early9 times you said weren't in the mood7 times you were sunburned6 times you were watching the late show5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo3 times you said the neighbors would hear us9 times you said your mother would hear usOf the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactorybecause: 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I more...