Laid Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    First Time

    Hot 2 years ago

    I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
    I honestly answered, "No."
    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb, She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.
    "Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
    Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
    Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
    "Well, come on", she more...

    This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

    My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...


    Hot 4 years ago

    My brother said that he thinks Dane Cook's career is just an elaborate ploy to get laid.

    I told him that almost everything anybody ever does is part of an elaborate ploy to get laid.

    If you laid every woman of earth end to end... you'd probably have a really sore penis.

    Before the first day of school, one day, a boy went and laid on top of Beverly Hills and watchd the sunrise. He loved the pretty sight, and was late to school. "Where were you?" asked the mad teacher. "I laid on top of Beverly Hills and watched the sunrise."
    The next day, another boy went and laid on top of Beverly Hills and watched the sunrise. He was also late for class. The angry teacher said, "Why are you late Mister?"
    "Oh shit!" the boy said. "I was layin' atop a pretty Bev'ly Hills, and watched the sunrise!
    The next day, a girl came into the classroom late. The furious teacher said, "Lemme guess, you laid on top of Beverly Hills, and watched the sunrise." The girl looked shocked. "What the fuck are you talking about? Beverly Hills is my best friend!"

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