Keynote Jokes

A salesman for a new firm had had a very bad week. Endless meetings in a half dozen cities, no sales. He was bummed and just wanted to relax on his flight home from Kansas City. Luckily, it looked like he had all three seats to himself in his row and he gratefully closed his eyes awaiting take off.
At the last minute, another passenger plopped down beside him. "Great, just great" he thought to himself. But then he opened his eyes and looked to see an absolutely gorgeous woman, blonde, green eyes, maybe 5 foot 4 inch, nicely built, well groomed and well dressed. Hmm, he thought, maybe my luck is going to change. She also still had a nametag on from something. So he turned to her and said "Hi, Masra. Are you traveling alone?"
She laughed and said "Oh, that's not my name. I was the keynote speaker at a convention today and forgot to take the silly thing off. It stands for Midwest American Sexual Response Association."
"Keynote huh? That more...

Bush is waiting to give a keynote speech, and he is sudenly overcome with nerves. Dick Cheney tells him to get a grip of himself. George doesn't listen and heads straight for his bottle of Bourbon.
Ten minutes later and George really needs to go for a piss. Cheney tells him to go piss in the corner and then come out and give his speech.
Ten minutes pass, and George W. turns up with a great big wet patch on the front of his pants. "George, I thought I told you to take a piss in the corner of your room!", shouts Cheney.
"But Dick, that's the Oval office. It ain't got no corners!" replied Bush.

Scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention, the CEO asked one of his top employees, Schwartz, to write a punchy, twenty minute speech for him.
After the big event, the CEO returned and he was furious. "What's the idea of writing an hour long speech for me?" he bellowed. "Half the audience got up and walked out before I was finished!"
Confused, Schwartz replied, "Sir, I wrote you a twenty minute speech. I also gave you the two extra copies you requested."

A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof of Fermat`s Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he`d talk about the theorem and then didn`t. He replied this was his standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.