Jones Jokes / Recent Jokes

Slick Sailor

Hot 7 years ago

There was this sailor aboard a large ship, Jones was his name and he never lost a bet.
The week before he bet the captain that the ship was going to experience the largest storm in history, the captain said "there is nothing on the radar, your on". That night the ship experienced the largest storm in history and the captain lost $200. Tired of loseing to Jones the captian decided to transfer him to the the flag ship with the fleet admiral. He warned the admiral never to bet with Jones he never losses a bet. One day Jones came up to the admiral and said, I bet you $20 you have hodgkins podgkins desease. The admiral replied "what the hell is that, how do know if you have hodgkins podgkins desease?" Jones said well there is only one way to tell if you have hodgkins podgkins desease you stick a banana up your ass and if it comes out red you have hodgkins podgkins desease if it comes out yellow you dont." The admiral dropped his pants and stuck a banana up his more...

Mega Lawyer Joke

Hot 3 years ago

Future Lawyer:
Ms. Jones saw one of her students making faces at the other kids on the playground. She decided to put a stop to it. She pulled the child over to the side and said, "Aidan, when I was a child, I was told that if I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Aidan looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Jones, you can't say you weren't warned."

Real classified ads 05

Hot 4 years ago

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily: (Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. (Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m. (Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him. (Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has donated $4,600 to the presidential campaign for John McCain. He's hoping McCain can get elected and pardon Pacman Jones.

Insurance Salesman

Hot 7 months ago

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, something that had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he hasto take a shit real bad.The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts downto use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls areoccupied, so he runs back up to his room, and indesperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, andtakes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back inthe pot and leaves.Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel thatsays, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"

Rude Doctor!

Hot 2 years ago

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and they page the doctor.Doc comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones."Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks."Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine.""Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?""Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."Mr. Jones begins to sob."And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly."Then, of course," the doctor continued, more...