Jew Jokes

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So, of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for more...

CLEVELAND, OH (DPI) - Police were called to 234 Southbend Crescent her early yesterday to break up a savage hate-motivated, single-person beating. In custody is self-mutilator Mark Richmond, a member of the neo-Nazi Southbend skinhead gang, who apparently learned late Monday that he was in fact adopted from a Jewish family.
"We told him his real name is Moishe Lowenstein," says father David Richmond. "He took it pretty hard. He stayed up all night drinking and around 6 this morning we heard him yelling at himself. But we never thought it would lead to this."
Apparently Mr. Richmond-Lowenstein began cursing himself and accused himself of being part of a "worldwide Jew conspiracy."
His abuse then escalated into punching and face scratching until he finally threw himself through a first story kitchen window.
"Glass was everywhere. We're really shaken by this," says his adoptive mother Helen. "And being a Jew, I doubt he'll more...

A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime. The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime." The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"

WHITE people have many unkind jokes about black and coloured emigrants. When colour of the skin does not lend itself to jesting, they find other unpleasant characteristics to jest about. Foreign emigrants in Germany are largely Turks who are as light-skinned as the Germans and are politely referred to asgasterbeiters (guest-workers). However, behind their backs, Germans have a lot of nasty things to say. Many anti-Turkish jokes are variations of Nazi anti-Semitic jokes. Here are a few examples:
Question: What is the difference between a Jew and a Turk?
Answer: The Jew has it behind him.
Question: How does a Turk commit suicide?
Answer: By smelling his armpit.
Question: What is the difference between a disaster and a catastrophe?
Answer: When a plane-load of Turkish guest-workers crashes, that's a disaster. When it lands safely in Frankfurt, that's a catastrophe.
Question: If a bomb fell on the Turkey. How many people would be killed?
Answer: Two more...