Jesus Jokes / Recent Jokes

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.
" Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
" Sure," replied Jesus. " What do I have to do?"
" Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
" Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, " What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpCLICK HERE!."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. " Did you have any family?" he asked.
" Yes, I had a son, but I lost more...

One day in Sunday school, the teacher was talking about Jesus is to the kids, "Bobby, where is Jesus?" asked the teacher. "Jesus is in heaven." replied Bobby. "Very good!", said the teacher. The teacher then asked a little girl," Where is Jesus, Emily?". Emily said innocently, "Jesus is in my heart!". The teacher beamed at little Emily and said, "How very sweet!!!". The teacher now asked Timmy, "Timmy, where is Jesus?". "Jesus is in my bathroom." he said assuredly. "Please elaborate, Timmy.", the teacher said. Timmy then replied, "Well, every morning my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells. Jesus Christ, are you still in there!!!"

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church, the husband, as always, fell asleep.
"Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" the preacher asked. The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Oh, my God!" The preacher said "That's correct." And the husband sat down mumbling to himself. He soon fell asleep again.
The preacher got to the question, "Who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?" The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!" The preacher said, "Right again." With this, the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall more...

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God more...

Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris swims through land.

I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.

Why settle for the lesser of two evils?

Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer

A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said, "We good." And God saw it was too late.

Televangelists: The Pro more...

A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of
a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you."
The robber ignored it, and takes the TV.
Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you."
The robber started to get a little worried.
"What's your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dummy named you Moses?"
"The same dummy who called his rottweiler Jesus."