Jane Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed' What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied,' Always check for squirrels.'

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? Sir! What can an elephant with a machine gun call you? Anything he likes! What do you call an elephant that's small and pink? A failure! What is stronger an elephant or a snail? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk! What do you give an elephant with big feet? Plenty of room! Tarzan was tired when he came home."What have you been doing", asked Jane."Chasing a herd of elephants on vines""Really?", said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground!"What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies? You would miss most of the film! What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant? Big ones! What do you find in an elephants graveyard? Elephantoms! Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes? Because their shoes are too tight!

The history teacher announced that the students who could tell her the
source of the following famous quotes would be allowed to go home early.
"The first quote is: 'Four score and seven years ago...'"
Cathy raised her and and answered "Abe Lincoln".
"Very good Cathy, you may go home," said the teacher. "The next quote is
'Give me liberty or
give me..."
Jane raised her hand and blurted out "Patrick Henry."
"Very good Jane, you may also leave."
Meanwhile a boy had his hand up in the back
of the room the whole time and the teacher never acknowledged him and she
said that would be all for the day. She proceeded to write something on
the board when the boy said "Stupid Bitches (women) if it weren't for them
none of this ever would've happened" The teacher turned around and said
"Who said that!" The boy blurts out "Bill Clinton now can I more...

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was very very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"Tarzan not know sex", he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, " Oh, Tarzan use soft hole in tree trunk."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here." she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer to get a better look, got an enormous erection and gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What did you do that for? "
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels

"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" said Jane. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."

Baked Beans
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary."

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little Johnny has to go to take a pee but he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say Jane to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table.

So he turns to Jane and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back Jane looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said Little Johnny stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says Jane, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"