Intended Jokes / Recent Jokes

SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS. READ AND SAVE THESE INSTRUCTIONS.
WARNING: The following basic safety precautions should always be followed to reduce the risk of fire, shock and personal injury.
Check the voltage on the nameplate.
Implies check the face to see if all is OK
Keep the work place clean.
Which means, ensure there are no knifes, blades or other objects within reach. These invite injuries to the tool (e.g Bobbitization), or to the personnel.
Consider the work environment.
Keep the area well lit (Unfortunately 90% of the time tool is used in dark)
Keep children away.
Before operating the tool make sure that the children are fast asleep.
Store the tool.
When not in use, store the tool in a dry place away from children's reach.
Do not force the tool.
The tool will do its job better and safer at a rate for which it is intended. Do not overwork the tool.
Use the right tool.
When the job is big and the tool is small then change the more...

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples.

If God had intended for us to run around naked,
he would have made our skin fit better.
-Maureen Murphy

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

December 1stTO: ALL EMPLOYEESI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.Merry Christmas to you and your family.Patty Lewis - Human Resources DirectorDecember 2ndTO: ALL EMPLOYEESIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.Happy Holidays to you and your more...

***************************************************** CHRISTMAS PARTY*****************************************************FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 1RE: Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take placeon December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open PitBarbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small bandplaying traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And, don't besurprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas treewill be lit at 1: 00 P. M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done atthat time, however, no gift should be over $10. 00 to make the giving ofgifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Aspecial announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty============================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All more...

December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis - Human Resources Director
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols more...